What Are Friends Actually For? (And How Many Do We Really Need?)
As a coach working 1:1 with women from all walks of life, I’ve noticed something going on. Many people struggle with friendship. In fact, three of my clients have goals around friendship right now. Not necessarily in making friends (although that does come up), but in understanding whether they are ‘normal’… what friendship is meant to be, what it should feel like, and whether what they do have is enough, real enough, deep enough. And it’s a topic that can be shameful for them, and it’s not often talked about with anyone in their circle.
A client might bring up feeling lonely despite having a busy social calendar and saying yes to every invitation they get. Or they’ll admit they feel very heavy guilt for not keeping up with their closest friends who are all busy and scattered around. Or they’ll confess that they just don’t have what they would count as many close friends at all. And the shame they are carrying around that, and the pressure on feeling ‘not normal’ or ‘not good enough’.
I was recommended a book by a client called A Simpler Life (from The School of Life) and the section on friendship absolutely blew me away. It gave language to something I think so many of us feel and know: that modern friendship often feels either stretched too thin or completely out of reach. The book suggests: before we can ask how many friends we need, we need to get clearer on what friends are for.
This is of course different for everyone. However here are three core functions of friendship that deeply resonated with me from the book, and that I see in my coaching work too:
- Friends broaden our sense of what’s normal.
A good friend expands our perspective. They remind us we’re not actually as alone as we thought in our beliefs, fears or random thoughts. They share their truths and acknowledge ours, and by doing so, they help us feel less ‘weird’. Although, I mostly do still feel weird, and I’m ok with that. I like weird. What’s normal anyway? - Friends help us straighten out our thoughts.
We all tie ourselves in mental knots. A trusted friend helps untangle them by listening and asking us questions. They don’t have to always offer solutions. They help us move from uneasiness or confusion, to more clarity. ‘Am I making any sense here at all? Oh thank god you understand me. I feel so much better.’ - Friends ease us out of where we might be stuck.
A real friend lovingly holds up a mirror. They can gently tell us when we’re being defensive, avoiding something or maybe just plain wrong. It can hurt a little when they hit on a truth, and, we know and hold on to the fact that their intentions are good. ‘What do you mean, I am not perfect? How dare you! Oh ok then you might have a point…’
How many friends do we actually need?
Here’s a liberating suggestion: not many at all. Maybe even one is enough, if that one person honours your needs and meets your core requirements of friendship. And if you find yourself with none right now, it might just be a signpost pointing you toward a different kind of connection you’re actually craving.
Once we get a clearer sense of what we need from friendship, we point our feet in the right direction ready to take a step. We can perhaps step back from those unsatisfactory friendships, leave those draining group chats, and take off the pressure to be socially ‘on’ all the time. We can conserve our energy and pour it into the few people who meet us where it matters.
I’m not ashamed to say I crave depth. I want to go deep with people. I want to share real thoughts, hear theirs, talk about joy and grief and the weirdness of being human. I want my friends to laugh at – and with – me, point out where I’m being silly and tell me what they really see going on. I want my social life to revolve around the occasional, exceptional evening with people who can laugh and cry (and maybe have a disco) with me all in the same meet up.
So, what now? If you’re not sure where you stand with friendship…
If you’re questioning whether your friendships are enough, or wondering why this part of your life feels harder than it should… you are not alone. And the good news is: these are questions worth asking and digging in to. Because when we get clearer on what we actually want from connection, things start to shift. We start moving toward relationships that are truly reciprocal and real.
If you’re curious about exploring this in your own life, I offer free 30-minute discovery calls to anyone who wants support untangling things. Whether it’s around friendship, identity, career or simply finding deeper purpose or meaning in life.
You can book a discovery chat here.